when one door closes...

L-R: Jonno, me, Candace, Nicko, Peta, Mark, Jaq Jaq Jaqcui and Cameron.  My Topdeck  family.

it's just the two musketeers again.  after three weeks of being on a topdeck bus tour around scandinavia, russia and a few other easterny bits we find ourselves striking out alone, just two wandering minstrels on the train to krakow.  i really didn't enjoy being on tour at first.  as those that know me can attest to i can be very porcupine like when trying to assimilate with people.  i just didn't feel that i fit in so pulled my usual mind games with myself that no one liked me and that i would be better off alone in my room watching t.v.  GET OVER YOURSELF SOPHIE.  anyway after these initial unhelpful waves of self pity i began to really enjoy myself.  I'm sure that the super cheap, super strong, super tasty cider had nothing to do with this... it was  particularly when our group split up and 8 of us joined another group to head to wild unknown of Russia.  our little party of 8 became a true group of friends despite our obvious differences.  i became particularly close to the wonderful peta.  such a lovely girl that became my confidante and keeper of secrets almost immediately.
russia was really a mind bending experience.  it is so shrouded in mystery and history and truly a place i never thought i would be able to go to.  i have to say i was very apprehensive, convinced i would be sold in to slavery, roughed up by the cops and chased down the street by a dancing bear.  none of this happened, obviously.  i met some truly lovely people, despite the fact that the few people that do speak english are very limited in their range.  i had one of the best nights of the tour 'chatting' for hours to a bunch of lovely ruski's using a bit of english, a bit of russian, lot's of mime and several awful drawings.  i would reccomend st. petersburg to anyone.  the churches are stunning, the river beautiful, the cider ridiculously cheap and way too strong and the people  mostly friendly.  plus i ate cucumber and capsicum at almost every meal so i was a happy little clam.
despite always telling myself that i'm a loner and having panic attacks in social situations i really enjoyed the company of everyone on tour.  i really feel like the first step of 'my journey' was taken.  i was having converstaions like a pro and actually enjoying it.  i'm starting to feel  a little empowered too.  like i'm in control of my path.  despite the occasional freakout about what the hell i'm going to do i'm mostly quietly confident that i can look after myself and the open pit of opportunity in front of me isn't feaking me out anymore.  i think the biggest contributing factor to this new found confidence is the fact that i fell a little bit in love on the tour.  i met the cutest, loveliest boy who i don't feel the need to play any games with and who thinks that i look like a movie star.  always an ego boost.  anyway we had a lovely time smooching and holding hands and despite the fact that he's gone back to the land of the long white cloud i hope that he figures somewhere in my future.
anyway as i sit in the windowsill of our hostel in krakow looking out over a lovely courtyard i can't help but feel that my mind is slowly getting to be in the right place to take this adventure by the horns and ride the shit out of it.

European Vistas

today marks one month since Nicko and i set off on our biggest adventure.  It feels so strange to have the advantage of time.  At the one month stage two years ago we were halfway thorugh our holiday and every day felt like it was slipping faster and faster through my fingers.  to be lame, this time around adventure and possibilities are stretching before me like the endless plains on either side of the bus as we make our way to Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania.  Adjusting to the uncertainty is very unnerving.  not knowing what i will be doing tomorrow let alone next week is definitely amplyfying my feeling of being a little fish in a very big pond.   i guess that is what i was after though.  the main reason i am here is to 'find myself' and figure out what the point of being me is.  fairly optimistic that i will get there but so far the beginning of the journey is freaking the crap out of me.  i've never felt so lost.  everytime i tell someone that i'm unemployed and my home is the spot that i am standing in at that moment, while sounding 'fun' and 'cool' just makes me want to roll up in to a ball and have a panic attack.  i never realised how much having a job and a home gave me an identity and a steady rock to hold on to.  but most of all how much the love and companionship of all my friends and family was like being wrapped in a big wooly blanket.  i felt safe in the knowledge that i had so many people that 'got me', that i could call at any time with any problem.  that there was always some to hug me when i was down or laugh like a drain at my jokes.  now i'm trudging through quicksand without a hand to hold on to and i wouldn't have it any other way.  for once i can live completely for me and not feel guilty about it.  i don't have to spend 10 hours a day stressing the hell out making a massive corporation money.  my days are filled with sandwiches in the park, cobble stoned streets, afternoon naps, delicious cider, sexy accents and most importantly meeting people that have the potential to be my next best friend.  not to discount the one that i already have.  i love Nicko more than anything and whenever i feel like i'm drowning and i can just look over at him and know we are in it together.  i know this endless freedom can't last as the man will eventually catch up to me demanding my time so that i can eat but for now i'm revelling in the uncertainty about where the wind will take me and when it will set me down past the endless plains.