European Vistas

today marks one month since Nicko and i set off on our biggest adventure.  It feels so strange to have the advantage of time.  At the one month stage two years ago we were halfway thorugh our holiday and every day felt like it was slipping faster and faster through my fingers.  to be lame, this time around adventure and possibilities are stretching before me like the endless plains on either side of the bus as we make our way to Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania.  Adjusting to the uncertainty is very unnerving.  not knowing what i will be doing tomorrow let alone next week is definitely amplyfying my feeling of being a little fish in a very big pond.   i guess that is what i was after though.  the main reason i am here is to 'find myself' and figure out what the point of being me is.  fairly optimistic that i will get there but so far the beginning of the journey is freaking the crap out of me.  i've never felt so lost.  everytime i tell someone that i'm unemployed and my home is the spot that i am standing in at that moment, while sounding 'fun' and 'cool' just makes me want to roll up in to a ball and have a panic attack.  i never realised how much having a job and a home gave me an identity and a steady rock to hold on to.  but most of all how much the love and companionship of all my friends and family was like being wrapped in a big wooly blanket.  i felt safe in the knowledge that i had so many people that 'got me', that i could call at any time with any problem.  that there was always some to hug me when i was down or laugh like a drain at my jokes.  now i'm trudging through quicksand without a hand to hold on to and i wouldn't have it any other way.  for once i can live completely for me and not feel guilty about it.  i don't have to spend 10 hours a day stressing the hell out making a massive corporation money.  my days are filled with sandwiches in the park, cobble stoned streets, afternoon naps, delicious cider, sexy accents and most importantly meeting people that have the potential to be my next best friend.  not to discount the one that i already have.  i love Nicko more than anything and whenever i feel like i'm drowning and i can just look over at him and know we are in it together.  i know this endless freedom can't last as the man will eventually catch up to me demanding my time so that i can eat but for now i'm revelling in the uncertainty about where the wind will take me and when it will set me down past the endless plains.