2 months and 8 days. that's how long it has been since we set out on our big adventure. 2 months and 8 days of no work, no friends and family, no wardrobe, no home. this time 2 years ago our holday was winding up and i was spending my last days lazing by the river in zurich and watching MTV, thankful to see something in english for the first time in 60 days. this time though i don't know when my final days will be. when i have to mentally prepare myself for the long trip home, the hugs from mum and dad, the settling back into a routine. i though that this feeling would set me free. but no. what is going to happen in the coming months? what is going to happen to me? where am i going? what am i doing? i have no job. i have no home. i have no friends. i'm freaking the shizz out.
after 2 months and 8 days i have seen all sorts of travellers. those here for 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months. and i feel judged by all of them. the aussies seem to fit into 2 camps. the super friendly loosey goosey types that have immersed themselves in a place and know the locals and where to go. or the 'super aus' types. they whirl through every place, 2 days at a time getting shitfaced and being as loud as possible. i don't fit into either of these categories. i'm trying to find a balance between my life at home and my life as a traveller. everytime i sleep in, or spend the afternoon watching 30 rock in bed i feel that i'm 'not doing it right'. shouldn't i be out there tramping the streets getting lost in hidden alleyways and coming home exhausted at night only to get ready to go out and meet people at a bar? i feel guilty for doing things on a small scale and at a slow pace. for having breakfast at 12, wandering for a couple of hours then reading my book in bed. i just have no motivation to do any more. when we got to rome we walked for 8 hours a day until we were knackered but now i am feeling so lost and unsettled that i don't want to do anything. the thought of striking up a conversation with my revolving door of room mates gives me intense panic attacks. why would they want to talk to me? i'm boring. all i do all day is watch tv and sleep.
i'm sure that every traveller hits this wall at some stage but i am growing increasingly worried that i won't snap out of it. my prone to depression personality just isn't able to deal with these feelings so far from home. i do have one beacon on the horizon though. istanbul. i am going there on friday. on my own. for ten days. this will be the make or break moment. i will have to get out there and explore the exoticness and make friends or i will just throw away my biggest opportunity for growth so far. after all that's what this adventure was all about. nothing says out of your comfort zone like being in a completely crazy and foreign environment on your own like wandering the streets of turkey. wish me luck. at this point i need it.
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| what a whinger. i have made friends. and had fun. lara and lena, our lovely roomies on the melt! train. |
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