turkish delight

today i am came as close to a perfect moment as i have ever experienced.  sitting on the shore of the island of  Buyukada watching the ferries roll in, the seagulls swoop, the waves lap and the sun set all the while listening to pink floyd gave me the first moment of stillness i have felt since i started this adventure.  even though i have created so many amazing memories already, in this moment i felt happy, sure and content.
Istanbul has been nothing short of amazing.  i was so nervous about travelling without nick.  about being a single female in a muslim country, about boredom, about getting lost and most of all, of being lonely.  i need not have been concerned.  except maybe about the single chick thing.  more on that later...
loneliness has so far mostly alluded me.  as soon as the bus set me down i was enveloped in the magical mysticism of this place.  the sights, sounds and smells have totally taken over my psyche and i feel that any moment aladdin is going to whiz past on his magic carpet.  i've visited top kapi palace, wandered the streets of sultanahmet and gotten lost in the near vertical winding lanes of beyoglu.  the spice bazaar was amazing.  the stacks of gleaming turkish delight, rows and rows of hookahs and the delicious smell of spices piled way too high transported me to another world.  even being woken at 4:30 every morning by the call to prayer is a glorious way to be roused from slumber.  the stillness of the morning being interrupted by the droning arabic call makes me rue the day when in the future it will be the rumbling of trams that disturbs my sleep.

shisha anyone?

the only thing that pokes a hole in the fairy dust blanket covering me is the aggressiveness of the men.  i can not walk down the street without being called out to be by every man i pass.  i'm not sure if it's just that i'm  a lone woman or that  i'm a lone woman with tattoos but i have never received so much male attention in my life.  every man i pass feels the need to comment on my stickers which i guess on it's own wouldn't be so bad but when they follow me up the street or sit beside me while i'm reading 'to practice their english' or 'make friends' makes me want to disappear.  it's a shame really because turkey has some truly hot specimens, all dark and tall and strong but i dare not catch anyones eye in case they are a creep.  oh well.  i have mostly combatted this problem in the last day or two by determinedly listening to my i-pod and keeping the eyes forward.
i'm only halfway through my stay here and i feel that in terms of personal growth i have come so far that i can't wait for what the rest of the week will bring.  i've eaten at restaurants on my own, successfully read maps, survived a weekend on 10 dollars and made friends.  i finally feel like i am learning who i am and what i want.  i am a western girl at heart.  i love reading trash and watching rubbish.  i love mickey mouse and fleetwood mac.  i like to look pretty and i love laughing at myself, at you, at everything.  and i'm not going to make excuses for it anymore.  i don't know what it is about istanbul but the hippies are out in force.  it has been truly lovely talking to people so unlike me and having in depth chats about peace love and harmony but i am really looking forward to being reunited with nicko and having a good ol belly laugh and being silly.  hopefully when we do see each other again he is greeted by a more confident, centred and happy sophie. i have no doubt of it.

what sort of traveller are you?

2 months and 8 days.  that's how long it has been since we set out on our big adventure.  2 months and 8 days of no work, no friends and family, no wardrobe, no home.  this time 2 years ago our holday was winding up and i was spending my last days lazing by the river in zurich and watching MTV, thankful to see something in english for the first time in 60 days.  this time though i don't know when my final days will be.  when i have to mentally prepare myself for the long trip home, the hugs from mum and dad, the settling back into a routine.  i though that this feeling would set me free.  but no.  what is going to happen in the coming months?  what is going to happen to me?  where am i going?  what am i doing?  i have no job.  i have no home.  i have no friends.  i'm freaking the shizz out.  

after 2 months and 8 days i have seen all sorts of travellers.  those here for 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months.  and i feel judged by all of them.  the aussies seem to fit into 2 camps.  the super friendly loosey goosey types that have immersed themselves in a place and know the locals and where to go.  or the 'super aus' types.  they whirl through every place, 2 days at a time getting shitfaced and being as loud as possible.  i don't fit into either of these categories.  i'm trying to find a balance between my life at home and my life as a traveller.  everytime i sleep in, or spend the afternoon watching 30 rock in bed i feel that i'm 'not doing it right'.  shouldn't i be out there tramping the streets getting lost in hidden alleyways and coming home exhausted at night only to get ready to go out and meet people at a bar?  i feel guilty for doing things on a small scale and at a slow pace.  for having breakfast at 12, wandering for a couple of hours then reading my book in bed.  i just have no motivation to do any more.  when we got to rome we walked for 8 hours a day until we were knackered but now i am feeling so lost and unsettled that i don't want to do anything.  the thought of striking up a conversation with my revolving door of room mates gives me intense panic attacks.  why would they want to talk to me?  i'm boring.  all i do all day is watch tv and sleep.

i'm sure that every traveller hits this wall at some stage but i am growing increasingly worried that i won't snap out of it.  my prone to depression personality just isn't able to deal with these feelings so far from home.  i do have one beacon on the horizon though. istanbul.  i am going there on friday.  on my own.  for ten days.  this will be the make or break moment.  i will have to get out there and explore the exoticness and make friends or i will just throw away my biggest opportunity for growth so far.  after all that's what this adventure was all about.  nothing says out of your comfort zone like being in a completely crazy and foreign environment on your own like wandering the streets of turkey.  wish me luck.  at this point i need it.

what a whinger.  i have made friends. and had fun.  lara and lena, our lovely roomies on the melt! train.

changing plans shifting sands

s

two best friends at open'er

so apparently being an aussie doesn't get you the free ride i'd been quite foolishly hoping it would.  some blah blah blah boresville bureaucratic rule means that for every 6 months that i spend over here, 3 of them have to be spent in a non schengen area.  basically that means that my plans to wander around czech, germany, belgium, france and all those other fun places have been put on hold.  a minor break down ensued once this fully sunk in as i imagined having to traipse through bulgaria on the back of a donkey for weeks on end but once i stopped being melodramatic and started being reasonable the prospect actually excited me.  essentially once i'm done with festival number three i'm going to toddle off to croatia, or possibly turkey, and have some fun in the sun.  because nicko has one of those worth their weight in gold little red passports i will most likely be doing this alone.  kind of scary but i'm a big girl and no time like the present to learn how to read a map and catch a train.  and make friends.  nah jokes!  as if that's going to happen.

the wombats were amazing.  i love them with all my heart.

we're currently in serbia on our way to festival number 2, exit.  festival number 1, open'er, was great times.  unlike any festival i had been to before the musics didn't start until around 7pm each night leaving the day to explore the town, sunbake, or in the case of friday when it pissed down rain for 24 hours, huddle in the tent reading my book.  any misgivings that i may have had about what i was doing following festivals around the continent were  swept away with the rain. oh man i love music.  a good gig really does have the ability to wipe all  my cares away and just make me happy to be alive.  it was two door cinema club on the first night that put the smile on the dial foals on the second that made me swoon and prince on the third that confirmed my belief in the power of a tune and a boogie.  that's baby making music that's what that is.  i wasn't actually all that fussed about seeing him but jesus has he still got it!  what a performer.  even nick got a little lump in the pants when he shimmied across the stage in all his gold sequins belting out purple rain.  now it's off to novi sad to have arcade fire fill my heart with gladness and take away all my sadness.  to quote rockin' rod stewart.

speaking of my little heart, waiting for me when i got back was an e-mail from NZ.  it had been 2 weeks since i'd heard from him and in typical girly style i had been fretting a wee bit.  unfortunately i have chosen to fall for the most reserved boy going around so after reading his sparse words several times and scanning for hidden clues as to his undying devotion to me i am still unsure of how he feels.  doesn't really bother me though because i'm smitten and will continue to act accordingly.  way too old to play games and not lay my feelings out on the line because i'm scared of being hurt.  you've got to be in it to win it i say.  even if nothing comes of it, meeting NZ has made me realise that i am actually ready to meet someone awesome that i can possibly fall in love with and have babies and a mortgage and all that boring grown up stuff.  obviously got to get all my adventuring out of the way first....

when one door closes...

L-R: Jonno, me, Candace, Nicko, Peta, Mark, Jaq Jaq Jaqcui and Cameron.  My Topdeck  family.

it's just the two musketeers again.  after three weeks of being on a topdeck bus tour around scandinavia, russia and a few other easterny bits we find ourselves striking out alone, just two wandering minstrels on the train to krakow.  i really didn't enjoy being on tour at first.  as those that know me can attest to i can be very porcupine like when trying to assimilate with people.  i just didn't feel that i fit in so pulled my usual mind games with myself that no one liked me and that i would be better off alone in my room watching t.v.  GET OVER YOURSELF SOPHIE.  anyway after these initial unhelpful waves of self pity i began to really enjoy myself.  I'm sure that the super cheap, super strong, super tasty cider had nothing to do with this... it was  particularly when our group split up and 8 of us joined another group to head to wild unknown of Russia.  our little party of 8 became a true group of friends despite our obvious differences.  i became particularly close to the wonderful peta.  such a lovely girl that became my confidante and keeper of secrets almost immediately.
russia was really a mind bending experience.  it is so shrouded in mystery and history and truly a place i never thought i would be able to go to.  i have to say i was very apprehensive, convinced i would be sold in to slavery, roughed up by the cops and chased down the street by a dancing bear.  none of this happened, obviously.  i met some truly lovely people, despite the fact that the few people that do speak english are very limited in their range.  i had one of the best nights of the tour 'chatting' for hours to a bunch of lovely ruski's using a bit of english, a bit of russian, lot's of mime and several awful drawings.  i would reccomend st. petersburg to anyone.  the churches are stunning, the river beautiful, the cider ridiculously cheap and way too strong and the people  mostly friendly.  plus i ate cucumber and capsicum at almost every meal so i was a happy little clam.
despite always telling myself that i'm a loner and having panic attacks in social situations i really enjoyed the company of everyone on tour.  i really feel like the first step of 'my journey' was taken.  i was having converstaions like a pro and actually enjoying it.  i'm starting to feel  a little empowered too.  like i'm in control of my path.  despite the occasional freakout about what the hell i'm going to do i'm mostly quietly confident that i can look after myself and the open pit of opportunity in front of me isn't feaking me out anymore.  i think the biggest contributing factor to this new found confidence is the fact that i fell a little bit in love on the tour.  i met the cutest, loveliest boy who i don't feel the need to play any games with and who thinks that i look like a movie star.  always an ego boost.  anyway we had a lovely time smooching and holding hands and despite the fact that he's gone back to the land of the long white cloud i hope that he figures somewhere in my future.
anyway as i sit in the windowsill of our hostel in krakow looking out over a lovely courtyard i can't help but feel that my mind is slowly getting to be in the right place to take this adventure by the horns and ride the shit out of it.

European Vistas

today marks one month since Nicko and i set off on our biggest adventure.  It feels so strange to have the advantage of time.  At the one month stage two years ago we were halfway thorugh our holiday and every day felt like it was slipping faster and faster through my fingers.  to be lame, this time around adventure and possibilities are stretching before me like the endless plains on either side of the bus as we make our way to Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania.  Adjusting to the uncertainty is very unnerving.  not knowing what i will be doing tomorrow let alone next week is definitely amplyfying my feeling of being a little fish in a very big pond.   i guess that is what i was after though.  the main reason i am here is to 'find myself' and figure out what the point of being me is.  fairly optimistic that i will get there but so far the beginning of the journey is freaking the crap out of me.  i've never felt so lost.  everytime i tell someone that i'm unemployed and my home is the spot that i am standing in at that moment, while sounding 'fun' and 'cool' just makes me want to roll up in to a ball and have a panic attack.  i never realised how much having a job and a home gave me an identity and a steady rock to hold on to.  but most of all how much the love and companionship of all my friends and family was like being wrapped in a big wooly blanket.  i felt safe in the knowledge that i had so many people that 'got me', that i could call at any time with any problem.  that there was always some to hug me when i was down or laugh like a drain at my jokes.  now i'm trudging through quicksand without a hand to hold on to and i wouldn't have it any other way.  for once i can live completely for me and not feel guilty about it.  i don't have to spend 10 hours a day stressing the hell out making a massive corporation money.  my days are filled with sandwiches in the park, cobble stoned streets, afternoon naps, delicious cider, sexy accents and most importantly meeting people that have the potential to be my next best friend.  not to discount the one that i already have.  i love Nicko more than anything and whenever i feel like i'm drowning and i can just look over at him and know we are in it together.  i know this endless freedom can't last as the man will eventually catch up to me demanding my time so that i can eat but for now i'm revelling in the uncertainty about where the wind will take me and when it will set me down past the endless plains.

landslide

i love you very much.  the last words i said to my pop.  he defied everyone and held on for the last two weeks but now he is gone.  knowing that i was going to lose him has't made it any easier or made my heart ache any less.
john charles matthews was a wonderful man.  i knew him simply as the kind pop with a beautiful smile that was always gentle and loving with his grandchildren but he was so much more.  he was a hero.  i never knew about his injuries in the war but i recently found out that he spent 11 months in hospital at the end of it.  he was 17 when he joined up.  he had to lie to get in to the navy as he was too young but he wanted to be like his brothers and fight for his country.  he never talked about it though and that just makes him more of a hero in my eyes.
to find myself losing both my grandfathers within a month makes me realise how much i love my family.  they are the people that love you no matter what and will support you no matter what.
it makes my heart hurt that i couldn't see my pop more often as he was such a gentle wonderful man.  the piercing whistle when alex and i got to sydney airport, the swimming in the neighbours pool and the tinkering in the shed nailing bits of wood are all such joyful memories.  i've always said that i was so lucky to have all four grandparents at the age of 26.  even though it hurts so much to lose someone that i love so much i'm glad that i had so much time to love him.  i can't bear the thought that i will never hear him say 'rightio sweet' to nan ever again or see him sit so contentedly reading the finance section of the paper. how strange it is that my world has stopped but everyone goes on with their lives not even knowing what they have missed by losing such a great man.
i said it two weeks ago and i say it again now.  i love you very much pop.

Papa

Papa                                        Aunty Jen                        Grandma

The world lost a beautiful man today.  Whenever my cousin lachy would talk about papa that's how he would describe him.  a beautiful, beautiful man.  a true patriarch.  never one to waste a word  when papa spoke you listened because you knew something wise and thoughtful was being shared with you. he belonged at the head of the table not just as the head of the family but as the man you knew had earned his place to be there.  he always listened to what was going on around him and when he let forth with his deep throaty laugh or turned his beautiful eyes on you and spoke with his deep measured timbre you felt loved.
alex and i were 2 of the luckiest kids in the world because even though we lived 10 hours away from our grandparents they always came to visit us and they bought there home with them.  some of my happiest childhood memories were spent in that caravan.  papa's eternal grizzled beard, dot to dot puzzles, rosella's swooping, bush walking, inky stamps and grandma's choc chip biscuits are all treasured photographs in my mind and no matter how faded, they are always there to pull out and give me a warm feeling.
papa i am sorry that i didn't see you more often but just know that i love you and i know you love me.  i will never forget your walk that was always regal in my eyes, your special papa smell, they way you threw your head back to chuckle.  rest in peace Gart.

speed bumps on the road to sartorial enlightenment...

gaffa tape.  holds the world together.

the project hits the 4 months mark tomorrow and it hasn't been as smooth sailing as i would have hoped.  while overall it has been positive i have had a few problems so let me take you on a little journey through my failings...

1.  i feel that the photo above is fairly self explanatory.  yes that's right the zip completely broke at work today.  during the first hour of  a 12 hour shift.  excellent.  now this would not be such a problem if the zip on dress 1 had not already packed up and left the party. and dress 3 wasn't in the wash after a heavy session on the d-floor saturday night...  so as fabulous as i look with a massive strip of gaffa holding me together i need to put in some serious hours on the sewing machine tonight.  luckily i have already started making a dress to replace dress 1.  now i know this is not completely fitting in with my aim but after brandon had to cut me out of dress 1 and the boob seam started coming apart i though dammit this is my project and i make my own rules.  besides one side of dress 1 markII is made from material i found at home which fits in with the whole buy nothing thing and the other is going to a homage to mickey so it has to be done. oh mickey how i love you.

2.  the massive pink elephant in the room. i am of course referring to myself.  i'm fat and sun burnt so kind of fits.  when i started the project i had hoped against hope that i would have to pull the dresses apart at some stage to take them in.  unfortunately the exact opposite has happened.  yes i am the heaviest i have ever been but i'm choosing not to dwell on it and head done a shame spiral of tears and ice cream.  unfortunately "the fattening" has led to a level of discomfort in my now very snug dresses and the aforementioned broken zips.  i am doing something about it though.  stepped up on the exercise and doing my best to eat well.  (choosing not to look at the 3 empty fun size twix wrappers that sit beside me as i write this)...

3.  my innate laziness.  i like to pretend in my little fantasy world that people are interested in what i am doing and enjoy reading this little blog.  even if this delusion were true i'm not giving much material to enjoy.  that's right i'm lazy. lazy to the max.  i keep beating myself up about not writing in the blog but everytime i think about doing an entry i get distracted by t.v. or magazines.  or sitting on my fat arse.  but here i am now. making a promise to be more diligent.  and if there is anyone out there reading this please hold me accountable.  oh and if you need anymore proof about my laziness consider this.  i have been sleeping under a snuggie for over a week because i can't be bothered to put my doona cover back on the doona.  woah.  it is surprisingly warm and comfy though.  some might say quite snuggly.  tee hee.

it hasn't all been doom and gloom though.  still loving doing the project, in fact if i weren't going overseas i would do it for a whole year.  as it stands i have 3 months to go and i say BRING IT ON!  broken zips, extra kilos and all.  and it has been surprising the amount of people that have commented on my clothes in particular that i 'have so many looks'.  always great to tell them that i have been wearing the same 3 dresses for 4 months.

ok a lot of writing in this one but have been away for a while so here's a little snap of nicklepuss and his laptop case that i made him for christmas.

totes made that awesome photo montage behind him too.  dagnabbit i'm creative.